4-30-15 Post: How do you cut yourself off from love?

Question/Comment: “What do you do to cut yourself off from love?”

I have been asked this question. What do you think about it? 

Response: I like to ask this and other similar questions of people in therapy especially therapy groups. The responses can be very revealing to the person answering.  Many people cut themselves off from love with anger and criticizing. It is a self protective mechanism. 

Many of these people were hurt as children by the adults they loved. Adults can be abusive to children by being angry and critical. Some of those children may grow up to behave in the same way to themselves and others.  The hurt child who did not feel loved, may feel unlovable as an adult and by hurting others can assure that they do not receive love and at the same time prove that they do not deserve love.

Many people cut themselves off from love by isolating. This might happen when a person has loved and been rejected or disappointed. By isolating or not allowing relationships with others, they intend to prevent having to feel the pain of rejection or disappointment. These people tend to become very sad and lonely.  As long as the person is isolating they are in a sense continuing to feel the pain from past failed or disappointing relationships and never fully recover.

Other people might connect on various levels with others and experience some types and degree of love but not allow true intimacy. For example, a person with a sex addiction can hook up with numerous people but never experience true intimacy.  Another person may be very busy with work, volunteer activities, family life, classes and so on but be too busy for true intimacy. This is another way of cutting one’s self off from love. 

Receiving love, giving love, engaging in true intimacy requires being fully present with another person. It requires setting ego aside so that genuine, in the moment responses can be given. True intimacy requires being in touch with one’s own feelings, and acting appropriately in the moment. It requires giving, receiving and a positive attitude toward self and others. It requires trust.