3-31-15 Post: How can alternative therapies help psychological change?

Question/Comment: How can body work, meditation and other alternative therapies help me when I am working to make changes to my thinking and beliefs?

Response: Each cell in the body has a kind of intelligence. Cells respond to chemicals that circulate in the body and they respond to vibration. There are specific responses to specific kinds of stimuli. The cells have various subdivisions within them that have various functions which start or stop in response to stimuli. 

Negative experiences in addition to negative beliefs, thoughts, feelings produce certain chemicals in the body and brain. These chemicals tend to have a deleterious effect of the body. Positive experiences along with positive beliefs, thoughts and feelings produce a different set of chemicals in the body and brain. These chemicals tend to aid in feeling happy and having a healthy body.  Given the choice, which would you rather have circulating in your body? We do have a choice. We make choices everyday that bring more happiness, more health, more good into our lives or we don’t. 

Often past traumas can “get stuck” in parts of the body. The cellular memory may tune into a trauma and unless “told that the trauma is over” will continue to react as if the trauma is ongoing. An example might be a limb that has been severed from the body for what ever reason, but continues to hurt. Another example is, a part of the body that has been injured in an accident and continues to be weak although completely healed.

Some of the continued pain or weakness might be due to the mind having habitual patterns that are hard to get change. By creating new pathways in the brain with new thoughts and by creating different chemistry in the brain and body, we can create change for the better. Some of the ways alternative therapies can bring about different brain and body chemistry is through, a wider or different view of the world. 

The act of mediation brings about a change in chemistry as does experiencing beauty, homeopathic and flower remedies, positive affirmations, tapping, massage and other body work. These are just a few of the many alternative therapies find one or more natural, health promoting methods of increasing happiness chemicals in your body and brain. Please, note that I am not suggesting abuse of medication or drug or alcohol use. I am suggesting the opposite. 

3-29-15 post: Depression: Suicidal and Homicidal Thoughts

Question/Comments: Does depression make people kill themselves and others? Is everyone who is depressed also suicidal and homicidal?

Response: No and no. In my opinion, depression does not lead people to kill themselves nor does it lead people to kill others. Suicidal and homicidal thoughts often occur together with depression but that does not mean depression causes suicidal and homicidal thoughts.

In fact, from what I have seen, often it is thoughts that cause depression. It is true that depression runs in families, but that does not mean that it is solely biological or hereditary. While there is certainly a biochemical component to depression the thoughts and beliefs of a person are a large part of the picture. It is true that in people with depression, often there is too little of the brain chemicals, neurotransmitters, that make us feel good such as serotonin and dopamine. What comes first, negative thoughts or chemical imbalance in the brain? 

Is it such things as negative beliefs, experiences of verbal, physical, sexual abuse or neglect, or the negative depressing beliefs that people witnessed in their elders that triggers the chemical imbalance in the brain? Often we say depression is situational. That is, when things “go wrong” in life, when a loved one is no longer part of the picture, when life feels very stressful, or when life is not what we want it to be, our reactions to these situations can lead us to feeling depressed.

Almost universally, depression arises from a feeling of not being in control of our own life or of fear of going after the life we want. If a person feels stuck in a situation or feels like a victim, depression of some degree or other will arise as a result. When the situation changes or the thoughts of the person change, the depression usually dissolve. Sometimes long after the situation changes for the better, depression can still linger. The person’s thoughts or underlying beliefs may keep them stuck in depression even when life is good. 

There are also times when chemical use can cause depression. Many drugs, medications and alcohol all have the effect or side effect of causing depression. The way this happens is the body produces its own natural chemicals that attach to receptor sites in the brain triggering us to feel happy and have a feeling of well being. When the brain receives there medications, drugs and alcohol, the body stops producing its own chemicals because those receptor sites already have a chemical attached. So, when there are no medication, drugs or alcohol in the body, the receptor sites in the brain may not have anything attached to them which leads to feeling depressed. Additionally, when we think negative or depressing thoughts we also tell the body and brain to produce chemicals that trigger depression. 

When depression and despair deepen enough and the person feels hopeless enough, suicidal thoughts arise. However, it is often thoughts that have caused the depression and despair. Homicidal thoughts arise from anger not depression, but anger and depression are two sides of the same coin. When the negative thoughts are aimed at self, depression arises. When the negative thoughts are aimed outward, homicidal thoughts arise. Suicide and homicide are always a choice and are always based on thoughts and beliefs. 

There are always alternatives. There is always help available if one seeks it out. It may not come from a preferred source and it may not come immediately, but as a person’s thoughts become more positive, helpful people show. If you are feeling depressed it is important to become your own best friend, your own cheerleader, your own champion. Begin to make positive changes now, seek to see clearly, be patient with yourself and above all love and guide yourself as you would a very young child going through what you are going through.

3-24-15 Post: Unconditional Love

Question/Comment: I have heard a lot about unconditional love but I don’t really know what it is. I’m not sure anyone does. Can you clear up this confusion? Does it mean letting someone do whatever they want and loving them anyway?

Response: There does not seem to be any one definition for unconditional love, so it makes sense that there would be confusion about it. I don’t know if I can clear the confusion or if I will add to it as my definition is somewhat different from others. For me unconditional love includes clear seeing and acceptance which involves attempting to take the best action for all concerned, including one’s self.

What unconditional love is not, is allowing someone to abuse, use or mistreat anyone. Unconditional love allows for and even demands boundaries, discipline and ending relationships.  If we see that harm is being done to anyone in a relationship, then unconditional love would allow ending the relationship. A person who is an abuser is also damaged by being allowed to continue abusing others and is being stifled in personal growth. Unconditional love would demand the person be stopped from continuing to abuse. Even though we feel for the abuser because we see clearly how the childhood or other experiences of the abuser led to the abusive behavior, we still have to take appropriate action to stop the abuse.

An example could be a man who finds himself on death row due to having killed his female companion in a fit of rage. It may be clear that as a young boy he witnessed his father’s abusive actions toward his mother, was damaged by the trauma, identified with the abusive father and followed the same abusive behavioral pattern. We can feel love and compassion for him, but still see that he needs to be segregated from general society so that he can no longer harm others. 

If a person is unable to refrain from harming others, then s/he may have to be institutionalized and segregated from society for the safety of others, and yet we can still have unconditional love for the person. Unconditional love may even include never seeing a person again, never having contact of any kind. It is the feeling of love and acceptance of the person as a soul, as an expression of the Whole, the Devine, the Source or what ever name one chooses that is the unconditional love. 

The feeling of love and acceptance for an individual along with clear seeing and appropriate action is what defines unconditional love.  For example, if a child is told not to go out the front door of the house alone for safety reasons, but insists on doing so, the parent may understand that the child is curious, or exploring feelings of independence, or does not fully understand the prohibition or the danger. The parent may feel a strong intense love for the child and may feel sad or even guilty when the child is sad or unhappy.  It feels better to allow the child to do as s/he wishes, but it is not in the best interest of the child. Unconditional love would have the parent prevent the child from going out the front door by taking appropriate action such as leading the child away from the door, carrying the child away from the door, verbally reminding the child to stay away from the door, or suggesting that the child play in the back yard. 

Another example is parent who does not stop a child from acting out with physical aggression when s/he is small may considered their inaction to be unconditional love for the child, but it is short sighted. Clear seeing would predict the future actions of the child and the consequences.  Unconditional love as I see it would dictate teaching the child such things as communication, acceptance that not everything is within our control, others have feelings and deserve happiness and freedom, and inner peace through some form of meditation. 

Unconditional love and acceptance is an absolute must toward one’s self. 

Even when targeting aspects of self that could be changed for the better, the basis can be unconditional love and acceptance in the moment. With this attitude, there is less likely to be resistance from the ego. Change is much easier and faster with an underlying current of self acceptance, self love and clear seeing of self. Lovingly seeing how we got to be who we are and where our thought habits, beliefs, and behaviors came from is helpful as background information, during change. Unconditional self-love spurs us on to continual improvement, continual achievement and creative self-expression. It also allows us to have the capacity for unconditional love of others.   

3-21-15 post: Boundaries

Question/Comment: I have a friend that keeps crossing my boundaries even though I set limits. It is driving me crazy and I am about to end the friendship. What makes people trample all over other people’s boundaries?

Response: There are various types of boundaries. There may be boundaries around your property for example. We have boundaries for our possessions, boundaries for our thoughts and feelings, and boundaries of personal space, that is how close can other people get to our body before we begin to feel uncomfortable. We also have social boundaries. Other people can cross any of these boundaries for various reasons. 

One reason for crossing boundaries is not knowing what or where they are. Sometimes cultural differences can be at the root of this error.  Cultural boundaries are usually from a mixture of sources and set with in the family of origin. They are based on ethnic influence, religious influence, community influence and country of origin influence. Even with all the same back ground two people can still have a conflict of boundaries because of the family history of boundaries. Some families may have very fluid over lapping boundaries where they all know each other’s business and offer their opinions while attempting to influence each other. Another family may rarely talk about personal issues or ask questions of each other. Some families may touch each other often in loving ways, some families may touch each other in what is considered to be inappropriate ways and some families may not touch each other at all. Take two people from these very different families and put them together in any sort of relationship and there will be some conflict about boundaries. It is when the conflict cannot be resolved that the relationship may have to end.

If you are making your boundaries clear to your friend, and she is still crossing them, then we have to look at what she is gaining.  What are her motivations and intentions in crossing boundaries? Does she think that your boundaries are too rigid? Does she feel the need to ignore your boundaries to get something she believes she needs or wants? Is she trying to get you to change your boundaries? These are questions to ask her. You need to have a frank conversation not just about where your boundaries are and how her crossing them makes you feel, but also about what is going on with her to motivate her to ignore your requests to stop. 

If she refuses to or is unable to engage in an honest conversation about this issue and if she still infringes on your boundaries, then as you suggest, you have to decide if you want to maintain the friendship as is or alter it in some way or end it altogether. The task then for you becomes one of asking yourself, what you lose if you alter or end the friendship, what do you gain if you maintain it as is, and how you will go about making the change you choose. 

3-20-15 post: Teasing

Question/Comment: I was told by my child’s therapist that I am doing harm to my children by teasing them. I don’t believe it. My father teased me and his father teased him. I think I am doing my children a favor by teaching them to be tough.

Response: Teasing always involves a power differential and can stimulate power struggles in a relationship. It will create distance between you and your children. Your relationship will be less loving and less trusting. Verbal teasing is disguised as humor but only the aggressor enjoys it. It is a passive aggressive means of putting the other person in their place, putting the other person down, making the other person feel less self-assured.  A child has little or no defense against this type of aggression especially when it comes from an adult.

There is no life lesson that cannot be learned in a more positive way, in a way that does not also cause harm.  Just look at some synonyms for the word teasing: mocking, badgering, bothering, disturbing, exasperating, harassing, provoking. So, the idea is clear. Teasing a child will make them more angry, less self-assured and more emotionally damaged. It is a no win situation for the child. If the child laughs, then they are emotionally agreeing with the put down. If the child complains, than another assault is usually forthcoming such as being told they are too soft, not a good sport, too serious or somehow wrong for not laughing.

If an adult wants to assist a child to grow up and live up to their full potential, teasing will not help.  Let’s look at what teasing is not by looking at the word’s antonyms: praising, comforting, calming. Children and healthy adults respond well to praise, comfort and love.  Children are best able to learn and feel good about themselves, their talents, intelligence and place in life, when they are provided with positive, loving comments. 

I have often seen unhappy, angry adults who have not lived up to their own potential tease children. It is a form of bullying, a way to feel better by passing on the misery to the child so the child can carry some of the emotional pain for the adult. Teasing is a form of criticism that the child will absorb and copy. It becomes a form of negative self-talk, a form of self harm that continues on into adulthood.  It causes a form of paralysis, an inability to act whereby the child and later the adult is afraid to take risks, afraid to try, afraid to go for an education or a desirable job for fear of criticism or because of feeling not good enough. 

3-18-15 post: competition versus cooperation in relationships

Question/Comment: I have a partner that is always competing to be right, always arguing, thinks she knows everything and hates to communicate. I kept thinking she would change and we could have a loving, happy, peaceful, cooperative relationship. Now I don’t think that will ever happen and I’m thinking of breaking it off with her.

Response: I don’t know how old you and your partner are or how long you have been together, but if you are old enough to be in this type of relationship, you are both probably set in your ways. Also, we only have one person’s view point here. However, if your perception is accurate and she were willing to change, you would see some indication of more cooperation and communication. Some basic questions to ask yourself could be: Are you adding to the sense of competition? Do you have a need to win or dominate? Do you make effort to communicate? Is it time to get professional help with the relationship?

It may be time for you to start thinking about what you want and need from life and from a relationship. What do you need to change about you so that you can attract the type of relationship you prefer and have the life you want?

Things to ask yourself might include: is your life better with her or would your life be better without her? Do you find enough good in the relationship to continue it? What would it take to get out of the relationship? What would you lose and what would you gain by ending the relationship? Do you have a fear of being alone? Would it be okay with you to not be in a relationship for a year, for ten years or for the rest of your life? If you end this relationship will you run out looking for someone else right away? Or, will you take time to get to know yourself, time to get clear on the type of person you want in your life, and time to find a compatible person. How do you handle being alone? As long as you are not in danger and not being abused, you may want to take some time for self exploration before taking any outward action.

If you are able to form or already have close, supportive friendships you may not feel lonely even when you are single. It is self love and acceptance together with supportive friends that can make being single a positive experience. So, if you do decide to take action, make sure you have supportive friendships and maybe even a support group in place first. Make sure to have as many things in place as possible to support you when you do take action such as enough income if that is an issue, a place to stay if needed, transportation and so on. 

Please, remember that every person needs to have their own psychotherapist or counselor rather than rely on this blog as advise. This blog only provides generalized opinions to a synthesized question or comment and cannot address any actual personal situation.

3-10-15 post: victim verses victor

Question/comment: People keep telling me I have a victim mentality or that I am a victim by choice. They act like it is my fault that all these bad things keep happening to me and that I could change if I wanted to.

Response: I don’t know you or your situation so I will address the subject in a general way.  Many times people set themselves up for abuse or mistreatment of various kinds due to their own actions or inaction. Some of the ways people can set themselves up to be a victim is by choosing companions who are users or abusers, by not asking the right questions or any questions at all, by allowing others to use them, by taking care of others and not taking care of themselves, by placing themselves in dangerous situations and so on.

Self love is the best way to not become or not continue to be a victim. Self love also leads to being a victor. By being a victor, I mean succeeding in life and thriving. It has nothing to do with winning and someone else losing. It means loving yourself, taking good care of yourself and living a happy, successful life.  It all boils down to how you think about yourself and how you treat yourself.

If you love yourself, you will set healthy boundaries with others, you will make sure you are taken care of even when you want to give to others, you will make sure to let yourself have joy and enjoyment in your life, you will seek out people who love themselves, you will seek out healthy relationships and you will picture a bright, happy future for your self. 

There are many sources for guidance on this topic and many teachers who can help guide you. (See the links on this blog page to get a start on finding resources.) You may be able to find someone locally or you can access books, CD’s and other audio or video sources on line.

It is important to ask yourself questions such as: 

1. Do you feel you deserve the unpleasant, dangerous or damaging things that happen to you?
2. Do you believe you deserve good in your life? How much good? A little, enough or a tremendous amount?
3. When did bad things start happening to you in your life? What did you decide based on those first painful events?
4. What do you choose for yourself for the future? You don’t have to know how you will get this, you just have to decide what you truly want.
5. What are you willing to give up in the way of negatives to have a happier more positive life?
6. What do you have to lose if you stop being a victim?

So, where do you want to go from here? Do you want to make changes to your thinking and your behavior? You do not have to know how to do it; you just have to decide to begin. Find one or more people that can help you and make use of what they have to offer. Remember, they will not do the work for you and they are not responsible for your success. You do the work; you are responsible for making changes and you are responsible for the results that come from the changes you make. If you don’t like the results of the choices you make, choose again. 

  

3-6-15 Post: Bipolar Disorder versus Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder)

Question/Comment: I have been in and out of therapy and rehab since I was a child. Usually I get a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and but this last time I got a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. What’s the difference.

Response: In general, the behavior of someone with a Bipolar Disorder can look very much like the behavior of someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Both can have times of depression, both can have times when they are very happy and elated, both can have times of acting out and getting into trouble, both can walk away from their lives and responsibilities, both can have times where they seem very child like, both can have flashes of rage and both have a very hard time functioning in adult roles. To make it even more confusing, a person with Multiple Personalities can also have a Bipolar Disorder.

As far as getting better and the type of treatment that is best for a person, it is best to not focus on what the diagnosis is. It is best to find a health care professional and ancillary treatment professionals that are a good fit for the patient. The patient will then try various types of therapy.  One or more techniques will help the individual make changes and improvements to thoughts, feelings, behavior and life situations. 

As in any change effort the key is in never giving up on yourself. Remember that you are learning something new and if you don’t achieve "instant perfect," keep on keeping on until you find what helps you best.  Also, remember that no one can do the work for you and no one is to blame for any perceived lack of achievement.  Neither you or your health care providers are not to blame if you don’t achieve some standard of perfection. 

What is really going on is that you will be exploring to find out who you are, what you believe and what you want to change or let remain the same. Only you can do the work. Others can guide you, provide information and show you techniques that are useful. When one chooses to make deep changes to self, it is a process that takes place over time and has various steps. It can be a very pleasurable and interesting process with many twists and turns.  What a wonderful way to go through life; that is, as an explorer with the power and ability to change.

While emotional pain, anger and fear can sometimes be catalysts that push a person into seeking help, they need to be put into perspective as soon as possible. The focus has to shift away from pain relief onto meaningful, satisfying change. The patient has to take responsibility for her/himself. Please, know that guilt, self recrimination, blame, retribution, fear and anger are completely unnecessary to the change process and will always be a side track that can keep a person from meaningful insights and meaningful change.

3-2-15 post: Shame, Guilt, Blame

Question/Comment: I often feel guilty or ashamed but don’t know why. It’s not like I have done anything. But, I also criticize myself and feel as if I am not ever good enough. Even if someone compliments me, I feel like it isn’t true. And, somehow in my mind, I change it into a criticism. I wind up drinking just to numb the pain.

Response: Unfortunately, I don’t know of anyone who was not shamed and blamed as a child. Some, of course, were exposed to this type of treatment far more than others. The degree of exposure shows itself in the life of the individual. People seem to think that a child cannot learn to behave properly, “mind” and become a contributing member of society unless taught to feel ashamed. But, this type of treatment is at the core of what drives many substance abusers.  Without even mentioning the neglect or physical or sexual abuse many substance abusers experienced as children, let’s just look at the verbal/emotional abuse many experienced.

Of, the many people who have attended my group therapy sessions for substance abuse treatment, each and everyone had guilt and a sense of failure and shame from their interactions with one or more of their parental figures. This is an area of work where Gestalt’s Empty Chair Work, Rational Emotive Therapy coupled with Inner Child Work can really help. Sometimes role playing, hypnosis and meditation are also needed to assist the individual’s process. Louise Hay’s mirror work and tapping can also be added.  Depending on the individual, various combinations of therapy are needed in conjunction with 12 step programs.

Logically, what infant was naughty or a “bad boy” for dirtying his diaper.  Yet, patients have reported that their parents repeatedly told them through out their childhood that this was one of their earliest failures.  Others were chastised for “being no good from birth,” or “being the devil’s spawn,” or being just like your father” ( mother, or who ever). Yet others were told with nearly every action they took as a child that their efforts were a failure.  The dishes were not washed soon enough or good enough. The lawn did not look perfect. Their grades were not good enough, or if they were straight “A’s” then the child was not pretty enough, or did not have the right friends. And, so on and so on and never ending.

Children believe the things they are told by the people they love and trust.  In my opinion, if the verbal abuse begins early enough, it becomes part of the unconscious core belief system of the child. The person, then bases their self-image, their view of the world and their life path on those core beliefs.  Everything in life is colored by their belief that they are not good enough, inherently bad or a failure from birth. 

The first step in the process of improvement is to stop blaming others for the current situation, take responsibility for recognizing the situation as it is and commit to a course of change. It can take years of therapy, a strong will, starts and stops, and a great deal of effort to re-train the brain, change core beliefs which leads to more positive thoughts, feelings and actions.  It can be done, especially if the change process itself is seen as a life event that is shared with others undergoing a similar trek. 

While it may seem like a daunting task at first, the process can become quite pleasurable and rewarding. The trick is to not tackle too much at a time and to enjoy the process itself. If the whole task of changing seems like a huge undertaking, then each therapy session can address one tiny, little grain of the past. With encouragement, the person can begin to feel the support and camaraderie of the other therapy group members.  

The group can become like a healthy or health seeking family. It is important that the members of the group provide positive feedback and support for each other. Individuals also see that they are not alone in having been verbally/emotionally abused as a child and that they can take charge and make changes.  They cease to be victims who are driven by conscious and unconscious memories and become flourishing explores of life in the process of deciding who they choose to be. Self love has to be at the center of this change process.