2-23-15 post: Inner Child

Question/Comment: Sometimes, I feel like I have never grown up. And, sometimes I see people that I think must have never been a child and never just have fun in life. They are so serious. Is there something wrong with me or with them?

Response: Ann Barnett was my mentor in learning about the inner child. According to my understanding, stated simply, (see Transactional Analysis a form of psychotherapy developed by Eric Berne) we each can be said to have a parent, a child and an adult within our personalities. The adult part is a factual and on task aspect, always striving to accomplish what needs to be done.  The parent part can be loving or critical/judgmental. And, the child part is a child.  I think that if any one part dominates, we become out of balance. 

Some people advocate working in therapy to “get rid of” the child part. But, I think that everyone has a child part all of our lives. Many people need to help their child part heal from childhood abuse of one kind or another. Some people have an inner child that never learned discipline or boundaries and they need to work on the inner child understanding these life lessons. So, I like to talk about the parent part needing to love and accept the child part while the adult part sets boundaries and “teaches” the child part appropriate behavior.

Many times in people with addictions, I have seen that it is the inner child who is in control and acting out. When the adult part can take control and lovingly, non-judgmentally set boundaries for the inner child while listening to her/his needs for healing and desire for fun, the person has a much better chance for sobriety.

The inner child needs to have fun daily, to be listened to and heard, to be protected and cared for and taught appropriate boundaries. (See Louise Hay's work.) This inner child needs all of the same things as an actual child you might have in your care would need.  You need to make sure the adult part of you is handling the direction of your life and the details of daily living. The people you refer to that never seem to allow themselves to have fun, may greatly benefit if they let their inner child have some sort of appropriate, healthful fun everyday.