3-20-15 post: Teasing

Question/Comment: I was told by my child’s therapist that I am doing harm to my children by teasing them. I don’t believe it. My father teased me and his father teased him. I think I am doing my children a favor by teaching them to be tough.

Response: Teasing always involves a power differential and can stimulate power struggles in a relationship. It will create distance between you and your children. Your relationship will be less loving and less trusting. Verbal teasing is disguised as humor but only the aggressor enjoys it. It is a passive aggressive means of putting the other person in their place, putting the other person down, making the other person feel less self-assured.  A child has little or no defense against this type of aggression especially when it comes from an adult.

There is no life lesson that cannot be learned in a more positive way, in a way that does not also cause harm.  Just look at some synonyms for the word teasing: mocking, badgering, bothering, disturbing, exasperating, harassing, provoking. So, the idea is clear. Teasing a child will make them more angry, less self-assured and more emotionally damaged. It is a no win situation for the child. If the child laughs, then they are emotionally agreeing with the put down. If the child complains, than another assault is usually forthcoming such as being told they are too soft, not a good sport, too serious or somehow wrong for not laughing.

If an adult wants to assist a child to grow up and live up to their full potential, teasing will not help.  Let’s look at what teasing is not by looking at the word’s antonyms: praising, comforting, calming. Children and healthy adults respond well to praise, comfort and love.  Children are best able to learn and feel good about themselves, their talents, intelligence and place in life, when they are provided with positive, loving comments. 

I have often seen unhappy, angry adults who have not lived up to their own potential tease children. It is a form of bullying, a way to feel better by passing on the misery to the child so the child can carry some of the emotional pain for the adult. Teasing is a form of criticism that the child will absorb and copy. It becomes a form of negative self-talk, a form of self harm that continues on into adulthood.  It causes a form of paralysis, an inability to act whereby the child and later the adult is afraid to take risks, afraid to try, afraid to go for an education or a desirable job for fear of criticism or because of feeling not good enough.