6-28-15 Post: Death Bed Conversations

Question/Comment: My father is close to his death bed and I want to confront him on the things he did wrong in his relationship with me.

Response: You don’t say how close your father is to dying. If he is gravely ill, or incapacitated in any way, he may not be able to engage in a meaningful conversation. Confronting him might help you to feel better or you may be much more deeply hurt and angry. It is a risk. What mistakes you father made are not mentioned in your comment but hopefully you can have compassion for him. Unless he initiates that conversation, it might be kinder and more loving to assist him in his process of transition without telling him off. 

There is no way to change the past and any healing you do has to come from within you, anyway. If he still has the ability and is not on his death bed yet, maybe a conversation would be healing for the relationship between the two of you.  Depending on how close he is to death, initiating such a conversation could distract him from his dying process.

In my opinion it is important that a person focus on their dying process and do so with as much conscious awareness as possible. One of the most loving and kind things one can do in life is to assist someone in their transition out of this life. When we do this, the focus has to be on the person dying, their needs, their wants, their process. Assisting a person in dying needs to be a selfless gift. From what I have observed, each individual who knows they are approaching death, will do their own review of their lives and decide what their regrets are. Their list may not agree with yours. 

Various traditions, have stated in various ways, that the individual will have an assisted review of their life after their death. It seems that they are provided with many opportunities to see how their actions impacted others until they learn understanding and empathy. Maybe you believe that after death there is nothing, that we simply cease to exist. The questions reman the same. What do you hope to gain by a confrontation; what if you are further hurt by the attempt at the conversation; what is the kind, loving thing to do for your father? 


Some questions to ask yourself could be as follows. What is your reason for wanting to confront your father; what do you hope to gain; are you seeking revenge on someone who is now incapacitated; how will you react if you do not get an apology, an admission of guilt or see remorse in him; are you thinking of yourself, your father or someone else in wanting to confront him; who be helped by the confrontation and who would be harmed; would anything be changed for the better; how will you feel about yourself later? 

6-20-15 Post: What is the most important thing in life?

Question/comment: Many people have given me advise on what is important in life. What do you think is the most important thing in life?

Response: I think that we each have to decide for ourselves. If you listen very carefully to your inner knowing, it will guide you. When you hear others state their opinions of what is important in life, see if it rings true for you. I think that we each enter this life with at least a general idea of what we intend to learn, what we want to give to others and a direction we plan to take. Within that framework, I think we have great latitude to find our own personal way.

I have found love of self and others, to be the most lasting and over riding influence in life. I have also seen that hurt, trauma and self-punishment are the greatest distractions from a life path. They detract from people’s ability to focus on their life purpose and plan. Love does seem to help heal the wounds and allow people to find their way back to their path. For some this healing process takes longer than for others.

It is very important that you take good care of yourself in every possible way. Provide opportunities for yourself to listen to your deepest being as often as possible; listen to your deepest self constantly if you can. Treat yourself and others with love and respect; notice that you come first. You can only give what you have. If you do not have love, respect, gentleness for yourself, how can you have them to give to others? 

I think it is very important to consider what we are. Thoughts, feelings, beliefs, actions all come and go. The body we use to navigate in the world comes and goes and is in constant flux. What is permanent? The personality changes, consciousness changes. What is permanent is the observer of the changes. 

If we can identify with the unchanging observer, it is easier to make any needed changes in worldly circumstances, in personality, in thoughts, in feelings, and in beliefs. It is easier to see clearly, hear clearly and follow our path when we rest in our most core self. Never deny yourself love, sustenance or security; also give these to others as appropriate.

6-16-15-Post: Pursuit of the material versus the spiritual

Question/Comment: Am I wrong for pursuing wealth and monetary security? Should I be seeking spiritual enlightenment or good deeds instead?

Response: Who says we have to choose. How can we pursue just one aspect and not all? We can’t. It is only when we acknowledge our selves and everyone and everything else as expressions of the Divine that we can succeed in any area of life. When we pursue life from a stance of love of self and other, that is when we can accomplish our heart’s desires. How can good deeds be separated from spiritual enlightenment or material success? They can’t. 

In our material world, material security allows us to give to others and it allows us the time and energy to devote to spiritual enlightenment.  Spiritual enlightenment leads us to give to others and is based in loving and being loved. With spiritual enlightenment comes clear seeing which leads to success in worldly pursuits. Giving to others, good deeds leads us to feelings of love, a feeling of oneness with others and Source. The material, the spiritual and connection with others are all part of the same circle; none can exist without the other. If any part of the circle is weak, the whole circle is weaker and cannot circulate as much energy.

6-10-15 Post: Self Examination

Question/Comment: I think self examination is a very important part of life and could be a part of everyday life. To me it is like an automatic self improvement program. 

Response: Yes, observation of our feelings, motivation, reactions, desires, thoughts and mental associations can be very informative. We do need to be certain that this type of mental reflection does not become an obstacle to taking practical action or decision making. It is best to let this self observation process go on in the back ground of our every day life. Then self observation can become our primary focus when we take time to meditate. 

This self observation process is most productive when it is allowed to take place without criticism. If we can just observe and take note without judging, we can make the most use of the information. Just begin noticing yourself impartially like you would notice a stranger in a public setting. Notice you demeanor, your posture, your hand gestures, the look on your face, what you say and who you say it to. Notice how you feel in your body and your emotions and which triggers which. Notice your breathing and how it changes with circumstances and thoughts or feelings.

As the song says, “Let it be.” Just notice the flow of one moment into the next. A desire for a change may gradually arise in your awareness. If it does notice what you would like the new thought, feeling or behavior to be and allow it to begin to take shape. Let this all happen without judgement. Then decide if such a change would be in your best interest. Fear may begin to arise, if it does, do not push yourself. Take the time to gently move toward the change with small, tolerable steps.

Many people feel like a failure if they decide a change is needed in some aspect of their personality.  This is the ego feeling that it must be perfect at every moment in every way and must never admit lack of perfection. If the process of self observation and change can be done lovingly and gently with positive expectation, the ego will not be so staunch in its resistance. As always treat yourself with love and the same gentleness and patience you would show to a young child.