3-2-15 post: Shame, Guilt, Blame

Question/Comment: I often feel guilty or ashamed but don’t know why. It’s not like I have done anything. But, I also criticize myself and feel as if I am not ever good enough. Even if someone compliments me, I feel like it isn’t true. And, somehow in my mind, I change it into a criticism. I wind up drinking just to numb the pain.

Response: Unfortunately, I don’t know of anyone who was not shamed and blamed as a child. Some, of course, were exposed to this type of treatment far more than others. The degree of exposure shows itself in the life of the individual. People seem to think that a child cannot learn to behave properly, “mind” and become a contributing member of society unless taught to feel ashamed. But, this type of treatment is at the core of what drives many substance abusers.  Without even mentioning the neglect or physical or sexual abuse many substance abusers experienced as children, let’s just look at the verbal/emotional abuse many experienced.

Of, the many people who have attended my group therapy sessions for substance abuse treatment, each and everyone had guilt and a sense of failure and shame from their interactions with one or more of their parental figures. This is an area of work where Gestalt’s Empty Chair Work, Rational Emotive Therapy coupled with Inner Child Work can really help. Sometimes role playing, hypnosis and meditation are also needed to assist the individual’s process. Louise Hay’s mirror work and tapping can also be added.  Depending on the individual, various combinations of therapy are needed in conjunction with 12 step programs.

Logically, what infant was naughty or a “bad boy” for dirtying his diaper.  Yet, patients have reported that their parents repeatedly told them through out their childhood that this was one of their earliest failures.  Others were chastised for “being no good from birth,” or “being the devil’s spawn,” or being just like your father” ( mother, or who ever). Yet others were told with nearly every action they took as a child that their efforts were a failure.  The dishes were not washed soon enough or good enough. The lawn did not look perfect. Their grades were not good enough, or if they were straight “A’s” then the child was not pretty enough, or did not have the right friends. And, so on and so on and never ending.

Children believe the things they are told by the people they love and trust.  In my opinion, if the verbal abuse begins early enough, it becomes part of the unconscious core belief system of the child. The person, then bases their self-image, their view of the world and their life path on those core beliefs.  Everything in life is colored by their belief that they are not good enough, inherently bad or a failure from birth. 

The first step in the process of improvement is to stop blaming others for the current situation, take responsibility for recognizing the situation as it is and commit to a course of change. It can take years of therapy, a strong will, starts and stops, and a great deal of effort to re-train the brain, change core beliefs which leads to more positive thoughts, feelings and actions.  It can be done, especially if the change process itself is seen as a life event that is shared with others undergoing a similar trek. 

While it may seem like a daunting task at first, the process can become quite pleasurable and rewarding. The trick is to not tackle too much at a time and to enjoy the process itself. If the whole task of changing seems like a huge undertaking, then each therapy session can address one tiny, little grain of the past. With encouragement, the person can begin to feel the support and camaraderie of the other therapy group members.  

The group can become like a healthy or health seeking family. It is important that the members of the group provide positive feedback and support for each other. Individuals also see that they are not alone in having been verbally/emotionally abused as a child and that they can take charge and make changes.  They cease to be victims who are driven by conscious and unconscious memories and become flourishing explores of life in the process of deciding who they choose to be. Self love has to be at the center of this change process.