Dr. Rikke

Self-help counseling relationships resources trauma childhood food for thought 

Dr. Rikke has been a psychotherapist since the mid 1970's and is retired now.  This blog is meant as a self help forum for those who want to make changes in their lives.  The questions and comments are a synthesis of input from many people. The blog is not meant as advice, therapy, guidance or a substitute for a therapeutic relationship with a licensed professional psychotherapist.  The blog is meant to be taken as food for thought.  Each reader needs to have their own psychotherapist that they consult on an personal basis.

This is a self-help site with questions, comments and responses from Dr. Roca.

There are many paths to the same goal of health and happiness. No one path is right for everyone.  Some resources that have been helpful in my life are: Louise Hay, Dhiravamsa, Ann Marie Chiasson, Hay House Publishing, and local yoga and meditation groups.

1-26-15 post:

Question/comment:

I am just not a happy person and can't change that fact. I don't think you or anyone else can help me.

Response:

Sometimes people may have genetic factors that create a chemical environment in the brain that does not produce enough of the feel good brain chemicals.  When this is the case, the person may need  medication prescribed by a qualified medical or psychiatric professional..

Sometimes people have traumatic childhoods or other traumatic life events that influence their beliefs about life and themselves which in turn leads to thinking habits that cause depression. The same thing can happen in childhood if a person hears negative talk from others about themselves, others, or  life. As children we believe what we are taught. We learn what we see, hear and experience. These are hardwired into our brains up until the ages of about 5 or 6.

So we form our core beliefs before we can reason, have life experiences to use for comparison, or have the ability to use discernment.  We then formulate our thought habits based on those beliefs. We see the world through the filters of those beliefs and find proof everywhere, at every turn. This solidifies our thought habits and confirms our beliefs. We "see" what we expect to be there.  We ignore or tune out anything that does not confirm our beliefs.

We draw people  and situations to ourselves based on our beliefs and filters.  Our feelings are determined by our thoughts and beliefs.  This, so far, sounds like we are doomed to a life that is determined for us by the significant people and events in our lives from birth to elementary school age. We can, however, take matters into our own hands, revisit our core beliefs and choose what to keep intact and what to change. We can change our thoughts and our beliefs.

1-25-15 post:

Question/comment:

How do I even know what my core beliefs are much less go about changing them?

Response:

That is where a professional psychotherapist comes in to help.  There are somethings you can begin to do to explore your own belief system such as to begin asking yourself questions like the following. Write your answers to these questions in a notebook and revisit them from time to time. Write down any changed answers.  When you notice any self destructive, harmful or otherwise negative beliefs, write the opposite in a statement and use it for an affirmation.

Who am I?

Where did I come from?

Am I loved?

Do I love myself?

Am I worthy of love?

Do people like me?

Am I attractive?

Do  I have any real friends?

What do I want from people, life, myself?

Am I disappointed in myself, people, life?

Did/do my parents, siblings, family love me, like me?

Do I fit in with my family?

Do I fit in anywhere with anyone?

Do my family members like/love each other more than they like/love me?

What do I think about money and having enough?

Am I smart and capable?

What is the best I deserve in life?

How does my being alive help others?

These questions can lead you to others and will show you your belief system. What ever life issues are on your mind, look into what you believe about those issues and you will find the beliefs that drive you.

Then ask yourself, do those beliefs make me feel good? Do they help me achieve my goals in life? Do those beliefs cause me misery or lack of success in my path to fulfillment? Do they cause me to do harm to myself or others? Which ones do I choose to keep and which ones do I choose to change? Is it time to begin to change?

1-24-15 post:

Question/comment: Okay but how can I change those beliefs?

Response: It takes time, work and professional help. You can use positive affirmations to help you change. Positive affirmations are statements that say the opposite of negative self-talk/beliefs.In a previous post, there we examples of these types of questions to ask yourself to find your core beliefs.  They are repeated again here. Write your answers to these questions in a notebook and revisit them from time to time. Write down any changed answers.  When you notice any self destructive, harmful or otherwise negative beliefs, write the opposite in a statement and use it for an affirmation.

Who am I?

Where did I come from?

Am I loved?

Do I love myself?

Am I worthy of love?

Do people like me?

Am I attractive?

Do  I have any real friends?

What do I want from people, life, myself?

Am I disappointed in myself, people, life?

Did/do my parents, siblings, family love me, like me?

Do I fit in with my family?

Do I fit in anywhere with anyone?

Do my family members like/love each other more than they like/love me?

What do I think about money and having enough?

Am I smart and capable?

What is the best I deserve in life?

How does my being alive help others?

For any that you do not answer positively or if the answer adds to you feeling down, create a statement that is opposite and positive.  That is your affirmation.  Then you can say your affirmation to yourself in the mirror or in your mind and write it many, many times until you begin to change the pathway in your brain.  Any habit, thoughts included creates a pathway in the brain, just like a well worn foot path in a forest.

We know when we are thinking positive, uplifting thoughts by how we feel. If a thought makes you feel morose, fearful or angry that is not a positive thought. If a thought makes you feel hopeful, peaceful or happy, that is a positive thought.

As an example, suppose there is someone you want for a friend.  That person is friendly with you and you get together for a social outing. Then the person does not contact you or respond to your attempts at contact. No explanation.  Do you blame yourself, feel rejected, wonder what you did wrong or get angry? Wonder what is wrong with you? Remind your self of all the previous rejections.  Is this how one of your parents would have reacted? Or, some other significant person from your childhood?

What if you could begin to use positive affirmation to change your thinking?  What if you began to tell yourself that you are perfect as you are; are loving and deserve to be loved and liked. You are a good friend and someone people are lucky to know. You deserve friendships with the best people. Those who would not make a good friend will not be drawn to you.  What if you begin to be a good friend to yourself? How would you treat a good friend? What would you say?  What would you do for a good friend? That is how you can begin to treat yourself, and talk to yourself.

It is okay to feel foolish, doubt or be afraid or angry.  You are learning something totally new and going against what your have been taught since your earliest ages. What do you have to loose besides misery, pain, fear, anger, sadness?  What do you have to gain potentially. Just begin to make the changes in your thinking and let time take its course. Do not worry about results.  If you forget to focus on positive thinking, then when you remember, just get back with it.  Self recrimination, self doubt and negative self talk are ways to sabotage yourself and keep yourself in the same old misery.

1-23-15 post:

Question/Comment: I was angry at partner and threatened suicide.  She said I needed to find out what would make my happy and make that happen.  It seemed like she didn’t even care.

Response: Do you really feel like killing yourself? If so, you need to get help immediately.  Call for emergency services and let professionals help you.  If you do not really want to kill yourself, then you need to ask yourself some serious questions. Such as: What did you want from your partner? Were you trying to manipulate or punish her?  What would make you happy? How can you go about getting those things for yourself? Are you willing to take responsibility for yourself and your happiness? Are you willing to let others be happy? What do you have to gain by threatening, punishing or attempting to manipulate? What do you have to lose if you begin to change and take responsibility for your happiness? 

1-22-15 post:

Question/Comment: What is life about?  What reason am I here?

Response:  If you are asking the question, you probably not following your own personal path.  May people live the life others want them to live, or the life they think they are supposed to live. When we do this, we can succeed and look to others as if we have it all and like we should be happy but feel empty and depressed.

A  definitive answer is not needed. The question is a wake up call to begin to give attention to where you are in life and what circumstances will allow you to do, be and feel that what is most appropriate for you.  The small inner changes are the most important and can lead to appropriate life changes.  Or, it may be that only the inner changes are needed for you to feel at home in your skin and in your life.

The thing is each person who comes to the point of asking this question has to start from where they are and begin to make changes. If you have responsibilities and obligations, you should not just walk away from them. You can begin to look for what will bring you to a more satisfying path in life and begin to work toward that goal.  If you have children or pets or others you are responsible for, you must meet those obligations with love and diligence. You can begin to take some time for yourself each day. You can begin a practice of breathing exercises, yoga and so on. Depending on your finances, you can find free guidance and information such as at the library or you can take classes or join gym. if you have job, you may need to keep it until you get training in a field you can enjoy or find what else you want to do to bring in money. If you are able to leave your job, do so with dignity and respect.  Give adequate notice and tie up any loose ends that are your responsibility.

Most of all acquire and maintain a positive attitude and gratitude.  The more thankful you are for what you do have, what you do know and the guidance you do have, the more the things you need and want will come to you.  It is your gratitude and positive expectancy that allow you to see good when it comes your way and prepares you to accept opportunity when it arises for you.  It is important to be happy for others when they succeed, get what they want or appear to be happy.  Joining them in their good feeling puts you in the vibration of good feeling and will attract more good feeling to you.     We are all comprised of vibrations forming patterns drawn together in a sort of magnetic way.  For example, the cells of our bodies have a vibrational frequency and pull together in a way to create our bodies. The vibrational frequency of notes are played or sung together in such away as to make cords and music. Light is vibration. Everything in our manifest world is comprised of wavelengths of vibration, from the largest, most grand thing to the smallest, even unseen thing.  

There is a principle in physics called entrainment.  Or, in some circles, it is called the law of attraction. Like attracts like.  Two pendulums of beating in discord will entrain and bring themselves into the same beat. If we allow, someone’s anger can infect us with anger, but so can their joy infect us with happiness.

So, be careful who you spend time with, how you react to them and what you choose to think and feel. You will know when you are on track when you feel good, feel happy, feel at peace.  You will know when you are off track when you feel angry and unhappy.  Your feelings are your inner guidance.  You may need help identifying what thought habits and beliefs of yours are behind your negative habits. Once identified, you can begin to change those underlying mistakes in thinking and belief.

Ask yourself: what would make me feel happy right now that is constructive and not harmful to anyone?  What can I do to create the life I want for myself? How can I begin my path to happiness right now? If your answers include hurting or doing harm to others, that is not the path. Think again.

Begin. Begin small and easy. Glide your way into knowing yourself, who you are, what you feel and what you want. Begin with small changes. Let you unfold gradually and gently.  Make sure your and those your are responsible for are safe and well cared for and then work on you.

Question/comment: I have been given the advice to relax, be patient and let things happen in their own time.  This seems far too passive to me. I want to get up and make people do what I want them to do and I want it now.  It does not work that way. But, it is still hard to just relax and wait.  Shouldn't I be doing something?  If I do nothing, i may never get what I am wanting.

Response:  If you breathe, picture the positive outcome you are wanting and allow yourself to feel happy and loving, then you are not doing nothing.  You are doing your part to bring about your desired result.  It is somewhat like having a child that has to accomplish something on her own.  You can teach her all you know that will help her, you can encourage her, you can guide her and then you have to let her go. You picture the best results for her, discuss her outcome with her and assist her in her next endeavor.  But the action is not yours to take.

Your thoughts, plans and desires are your children as well. Thy come form you, you send them out into the world and continue to feed them positive, loving energy and wait for the results which you know will come.  In both cases, you must let go of any resistance and allow the "child" to produce the results in the most appropriate way for her.

So, when you breathe, picture positive outcomes and keep yourself listening to your inner voice you are doing your part to allow the positive results of your previous action.  For example, If you work on a term paper and do your best, then after turning it in, your apparent action is done.  Within yourself, you continue with the positive imagery and positive expectation.