8-19-16 Post: Boundaries

Question/Comment: I feel very frustrated and disrespected when people disregard my boundaries. It seems to happen often. It makes me wonder if I’m too rigid. Am I wrong for not letting others control my boundaries?

Response: Please be aware that the opinions in this response are just that: my personal opinions. If you are in danger or have been harmed by someone disrespecting your personal boundaries, please, get help.

Boundaries are important in all aspects of life. Boundaries exist everywhere from the boundaries of a cell, to the boundary that our skin provides for us, to the social boundaries between us, to the boundary of the atmosphere of our plant and so on.

Boundaries delineate the end of one and the beginning of another. Boundaries are necessary for healthful functioning mentally, emotionally and physically. You don’t go into detail about who is crossing your boundaries or how: so my response will be general. 

Beware of people who want to power push past your boundaries. Such a person does not have your best interest at heart and can cause you harm. 

There are those who command and demand that they be allowed to cross your healthful boundaries; these people are often psychopaths or sociopaths and intend harm for their own benefit or pleasure.

We each have to determine how much of ourselves to let any particular person know. This has to be decided on a person by person and situation by situation basis. It is very important to get to know a person in proportion to the amount and quality of interaction you intend have with them.

If, for example, you are interacting with a psychotherapist you have chosen and trust, then you would let go many of your boundaries during your therapy sessions. On-the-other-hand, if you have an interest in dating a person, you would need to get to know them, maybe even research them if possible and take time to find out what their behavior tells about them as you slowly and gently and appropriately allow them past many but not all boundaries.

Does a person ever drop all boundaries? Maybe. But, I don’t think this is healthy. Often people who are emotionally disturbed seem to be boundary-less or are unaware of their boundaries being crossed. Such people don’t know how to protect themselves or keep themselves safe. This is often true for children who have been severely abused and for the adults they become.

There is also the opposite situation, where people have very rigid and strong boundaries and don’t allow others to cross them enough to make friendships or form intimate relationships. This can also be unhealthy. As with all things the middle path, the middle range is more in line with mental and physical health.

There can also be cultural differences in boundaries. Our boundary for comfort regarding space between people can be very different between cultures. For those accustomed to standing and sitting within a few inches of each other, people from cultures who feel more comfortable with a foot of space between people will seem cold and standoffish. Those who are used to a foot of space will feel crowded by, suffocated by and suspicious of those who stand or sit within a few inches of them.

Boundaries also include what you are willing to do or not willing to do for others. It may be a kind loving thing to lend lunch money to a friend who left her wallet at home or give a meal to a homeless person. It may not be in your best interest to lend large sums of money to someone you barely know. Healthy boundaries are a way of taking care of yourself and loving yourself. 

Bottom-line, you have the right to set boundaries that suit your needs and customs. You, also, have the obligation to calmly let others know what your boundaries are and when they have crossed them. It’s good that you’re examining your boundaries so that you can decide consciously what’s appropriate for you at any particular time and with each person you come across.

I think boundaries need to be flexible and determined by self-love, self-care, compassion, and wisdom.