3-18-15 post: competition versus cooperation in relationships

Question/Comment: I have a partner that is always competing to be right, always arguing, thinks she knows everything and hates to communicate. I kept thinking she would change and we could have a loving, happy, peaceful, cooperative relationship. Now I don’t think that will ever happen and I’m thinking of breaking it off with her.

Response: I don’t know how old you and your partner are or how long you have been together, but if you are old enough to be in this type of relationship, you are both probably set in your ways. Also, we only have one person’s view point here. However, if your perception is accurate and she were willing to change, you would see some indication of more cooperation and communication. Some basic questions to ask yourself could be: Are you adding to the sense of competition? Do you have a need to win or dominate? Do you make effort to communicate? Is it time to get professional help with the relationship?

It may be time for you to start thinking about what you want and need from life and from a relationship. What do you need to change about you so that you can attract the type of relationship you prefer and have the life you want?

Things to ask yourself might include: is your life better with her or would your life be better without her? Do you find enough good in the relationship to continue it? What would it take to get out of the relationship? What would you lose and what would you gain by ending the relationship? Do you have a fear of being alone? Would it be okay with you to not be in a relationship for a year, for ten years or for the rest of your life? If you end this relationship will you run out looking for someone else right away? Or, will you take time to get to know yourself, time to get clear on the type of person you want in your life, and time to find a compatible person. How do you handle being alone? As long as you are not in danger and not being abused, you may want to take some time for self exploration before taking any outward action.

If you are able to form or already have close, supportive friendships you may not feel lonely even when you are single. It is self love and acceptance together with supportive friends that can make being single a positive experience. So, if you do decide to take action, make sure you have supportive friendships and maybe even a support group in place first. Make sure to have as many things in place as possible to support you when you do take action such as enough income if that is an issue, a place to stay if needed, transportation and so on. 

Please, remember that every person needs to have their own psychotherapist or counselor rather than rely on this blog as advise. This blog only provides generalized opinions to a synthesized question or comment and cannot address any actual personal situation.