3-24-15 Post: Unconditional Love

Question/Comment: I have heard a lot about unconditional love but I don’t really know what it is. I’m not sure anyone does. Can you clear up this confusion? Does it mean letting someone do whatever they want and loving them anyway?

Response: There does not seem to be any one definition for unconditional love, so it makes sense that there would be confusion about it. I don’t know if I can clear the confusion or if I will add to it as my definition is somewhat different from others. For me unconditional love includes clear seeing and acceptance which involves attempting to take the best action for all concerned, including one’s self.

What unconditional love is not, is allowing someone to abuse, use or mistreat anyone. Unconditional love allows for and even demands boundaries, discipline and ending relationships.  If we see that harm is being done to anyone in a relationship, then unconditional love would allow ending the relationship. A person who is an abuser is also damaged by being allowed to continue abusing others and is being stifled in personal growth. Unconditional love would demand the person be stopped from continuing to abuse. Even though we feel for the abuser because we see clearly how the childhood or other experiences of the abuser led to the abusive behavior, we still have to take appropriate action to stop the abuse.

An example could be a man who finds himself on death row due to having killed his female companion in a fit of rage. It may be clear that as a young boy he witnessed his father’s abusive actions toward his mother, was damaged by the trauma, identified with the abusive father and followed the same abusive behavioral pattern. We can feel love and compassion for him, but still see that he needs to be segregated from general society so that he can no longer harm others. 

If a person is unable to refrain from harming others, then s/he may have to be institutionalized and segregated from society for the safety of others, and yet we can still have unconditional love for the person. Unconditional love may even include never seeing a person again, never having contact of any kind. It is the feeling of love and acceptance of the person as a soul, as an expression of the Whole, the Devine, the Source or what ever name one chooses that is the unconditional love. 

The feeling of love and acceptance for an individual along with clear seeing and appropriate action is what defines unconditional love.  For example, if a child is told not to go out the front door of the house alone for safety reasons, but insists on doing so, the parent may understand that the child is curious, or exploring feelings of independence, or does not fully understand the prohibition or the danger. The parent may feel a strong intense love for the child and may feel sad or even guilty when the child is sad or unhappy.  It feels better to allow the child to do as s/he wishes, but it is not in the best interest of the child. Unconditional love would have the parent prevent the child from going out the front door by taking appropriate action such as leading the child away from the door, carrying the child away from the door, verbally reminding the child to stay away from the door, or suggesting that the child play in the back yard. 

Another example is parent who does not stop a child from acting out with physical aggression when s/he is small may considered their inaction to be unconditional love for the child, but it is short sighted. Clear seeing would predict the future actions of the child and the consequences.  Unconditional love as I see it would dictate teaching the child such things as communication, acceptance that not everything is within our control, others have feelings and deserve happiness and freedom, and inner peace through some form of meditation. 

Unconditional love and acceptance is an absolute must toward one’s self. 

Even when targeting aspects of self that could be changed for the better, the basis can be unconditional love and acceptance in the moment. With this attitude, there is less likely to be resistance from the ego. Change is much easier and faster with an underlying current of self acceptance, self love and clear seeing of self. Lovingly seeing how we got to be who we are and where our thought habits, beliefs, and behaviors came from is helpful as background information, during change. Unconditional self-love spurs us on to continual improvement, continual achievement and creative self-expression. It also allows us to have the capacity for unconditional love of others.