3-10-15 post: victim verses victor

Question/comment: People keep telling me I have a victim mentality or that I am a victim by choice. They act like it is my fault that all these bad things keep happening to me and that I could change if I wanted to.

Response: I don’t know you or your situation so I will address the subject in a general way.  Many times people set themselves up for abuse or mistreatment of various kinds due to their own actions or inaction. Some of the ways people can set themselves up to be a victim is by choosing companions who are users or abusers, by not asking the right questions or any questions at all, by allowing others to use them, by taking care of others and not taking care of themselves, by placing themselves in dangerous situations and so on.

Self love is the best way to not become or not continue to be a victim. Self love also leads to being a victor. By being a victor, I mean succeeding in life and thriving. It has nothing to do with winning and someone else losing. It means loving yourself, taking good care of yourself and living a happy, successful life.  It all boils down to how you think about yourself and how you treat yourself.

If you love yourself, you will set healthy boundaries with others, you will make sure you are taken care of even when you want to give to others, you will make sure to let yourself have joy and enjoyment in your life, you will seek out people who love themselves, you will seek out healthy relationships and you will picture a bright, happy future for your self. 

There are many sources for guidance on this topic and many teachers who can help guide you. (See the links on this blog page to get a start on finding resources.) You may be able to find someone locally or you can access books, CD’s and other audio or video sources on line.

It is important to ask yourself questions such as: 

1. Do you feel you deserve the unpleasant, dangerous or damaging things that happen to you?
2. Do you believe you deserve good in your life? How much good? A little, enough or a tremendous amount?
3. When did bad things start happening to you in your life? What did you decide based on those first painful events?
4. What do you choose for yourself for the future? You don’t have to know how you will get this, you just have to decide what you truly want.
5. What are you willing to give up in the way of negatives to have a happier more positive life?
6. What do you have to lose if you stop being a victim?

So, where do you want to go from here? Do you want to make changes to your thinking and your behavior? You do not have to know how to do it; you just have to decide to begin. Find one or more people that can help you and make use of what they have to offer. Remember, they will not do the work for you and they are not responsible for your success. You do the work; you are responsible for making changes and you are responsible for the results that come from the changes you make. If you don’t like the results of the choices you make, choose again.