3-21-15 post: Boundaries

Question/Comment: I have a friend that keeps crossing my boundaries even though I set limits. It is driving me crazy and I am about to end the friendship. What makes people trample all over other people’s boundaries?

Response: There are various types of boundaries. There may be boundaries around your property for example. We have boundaries for our possessions, boundaries for our thoughts and feelings, and boundaries of personal space, that is how close can other people get to our body before we begin to feel uncomfortable. We also have social boundaries. Other people can cross any of these boundaries for various reasons. 

One reason for crossing boundaries is not knowing what or where they are. Sometimes cultural differences can be at the root of this error.  Cultural boundaries are usually from a mixture of sources and set with in the family of origin. They are based on ethnic influence, religious influence, community influence and country of origin influence. Even with all the same back ground two people can still have a conflict of boundaries because of the family history of boundaries. Some families may have very fluid over lapping boundaries where they all know each other’s business and offer their opinions while attempting to influence each other. Another family may rarely talk about personal issues or ask questions of each other. Some families may touch each other often in loving ways, some families may touch each other in what is considered to be inappropriate ways and some families may not touch each other at all. Take two people from these very different families and put them together in any sort of relationship and there will be some conflict about boundaries. It is when the conflict cannot be resolved that the relationship may have to end.

If you are making your boundaries clear to your friend, and she is still crossing them, then we have to look at what she is gaining.  What are her motivations and intentions in crossing boundaries? Does she think that your boundaries are too rigid? Does she feel the need to ignore your boundaries to get something she believes she needs or wants? Is she trying to get you to change your boundaries? These are questions to ask her. You need to have a frank conversation not just about where your boundaries are and how her crossing them makes you feel, but also about what is going on with her to motivate her to ignore your requests to stop. 

If she refuses to or is unable to engage in an honest conversation about this issue and if she still infringes on your boundaries, then as you suggest, you have to decide if you want to maintain the friendship as is or alter it in some way or end it altogether. The task then for you becomes one of asking yourself, what you lose if you alter or end the friendship, what do you gain if you maintain it as is, and how you will go about making the change you choose.